


Weak stitching

by Mothmeme



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Alcohol, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Break Up, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, I'm not a good writer eck, Jadzia dax is alive so jot that down, Julian says fuck, M/M, Panic Attacks, Panic attack based on my own experiences, also it's not stated here but julian is autistic here hi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 10:36:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17620865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mothmeme/pseuds/Mothmeme
Summary: He was losing two very important people in his life, one permanently, but it wasn’t that bad. He was fine. Doing great.Things could get no worse.He was wrong.Someone was pressing the buzzer on his door.(Might write more for this but on it's own the ending is open).





	Weak stitching

**Author's Note:**

> I hyperfocused and wrote all of this at once. Mostly unedited. I got inspired to put Julian through pain I guess. 
> 
> Warning for drinking and a panic attack.

Garak was hurt. There was heavy bleeding from his nose going down his face and dripping into his trembling hand. Julian had to take in a deep breathe not to go rushing towards him. He was working on another patient with more severe injuries. This one had been more closely involved in the bar fight, after all. Once he was done with him, he was able to start working on Garak,

He held a rag to Garak, who took it, and wiped his hand off with it. The previously white rag was now wet and stained blue with Garak’s blood. It made Julian sick looking at it, but he grabbed Garak’s shaking hand and helped him clean off his face anyways. He froze, knowing he had slipped up, but all Garak did was wince at the pain. Julian made quick work of repairing the damage done to the nose- mostly broken cartilage. Nothing was said about the misplaced intimacy.

“Thank you, Doctor.” Garak said as placcidley as he talked the last time they spoke together. Julian’s heart ached.

“You’re welcome.” He responded, trying not the to stutter or say anything stupid like _I love you_ , or _I saw you die once_.

“See you around, as they say.”

Julian couldn’t think of anything to say to that, nothing that Garak might care to listen to. At the tip of his tongue was _please don’t go._ Instead, Julian only echoed the gesture. The one that suggested that their last conversation wasn’t goodbyes. Wasn’t the end to a relationship.

He wouldn’t be seeing him around and they both knew it.

His tongue felt dry in his mouth as Garak nodded and left, not once breaking what Julian could only wish was a facade. Kiss him. Julian should be kissing him. He should be grabbing that man and telling him he still loved him, despite everything. Say something. Anything. This was the man he so desperately loved for the past seven years. Letting him slip through his fingers was the hardest thing Julian would ever do.

He couldn’t believe he never noticed Garak grow tired of him. People had warned Julian all these years about the former Cardassian spy, that nothing good would come out of him befriending him. Years into their relationship, and they had all been proven right. He felt like a fool. Julian could have handled the ‘I told you so’s and yet none of that came, only unbearable looks of pity, endless amounts of emotional support from Jadzia and Miles, and a free drink from Quark’s. Ezri had told Julian that he was the opposite of a fool.

“It wasn’t foolish of you to fall in love, Julian. You’re an excellent man, and if he couldn’t see that, he doesn’t deserve you.”

Maybe Garak didn’t deserve him. Or maybe he didn’t deserve Garak. Maybe this was some kind of retribution for his crimes. His lie.

A drink. That’s what he needed right now.

That’s exactly what he grabbed himself upon returning to his quarters that night. He drank straight from the bottle of scotch- something Miles had given to him as a gift, to remember the man by after he and his family were back on Earth. Julian couldn’t put to words how badly he would miss him.

Oh god. Garak was leaving too. Cardassia was his home, and he was going to be rebuilding his life there. Julian had been so happy for him at the news before remembering that he wouldn’t be sharing his life with him there- that he would likely never see him again. It didn’t matter, he told himself as he downed another gulp of alcohol. He relished in the burn.

Coping with the loss was harder than he ever thought it would be. This wasn’t one of those cheesy holovids he enjoyed where trauma just went away by the next act. Garak’s death in the Dominion simulation was still fresh in Julian’s mind years after he ever saw it. Nightmares still haunted him. Scenes of Garak taken down by phaser, or gun. Sometimes he was shot by a Jem’hadar soldier, other times it was Julian himself holding the weapon, dark blue blood all over his hands.

Garak used to hold him in his arms until the sobbing stopped. Never asked any questions or pried into Julian’s business, but simply comforted him. Garak knew nothing about what happened. His simulated death was never in Julian’s report of events, which Sisko thankfully did not comment on.

Last night he dreamt he was in Garak’s arms. Safe and secure. Garak stroked his hair and whispered to him. It was a very pleasant dream. But then he woke up to reality. He wasn’t with Garak anymore. That was over.

He was not dead. He was alive, Julian reminded himself. Julian could watch him pack away his tailor shop all night if he wanted.

In about a week he couldn’t do that. Garak really would be gone. But that wouldn’t be dead either. He could still send letters. Would Garak even read them? No, he probably wouldn’t read them. He didn’t want Julian anymore. Not his love, not his friendship. Julian was discarded. Engineered to be the perfect person, and he was still discarded. What did he not have that Garak needed? Why didn’t he say anything? He had been so sure things had been going well. Hell, he was about to ask if marriage could ever be considered.

Garak hadn’t even wanted to be public about their relationship. Julian should have known. He should have known. He should have known, but he never thought about it. That was Julian, jumping into ludicrous situations without any thought. He thought Garak was happy. Clearly that line of thought was flawed.

Maybe Ezri was right. Maybe this was not Julian’s fault.

That didn’t make him feel any better. And that wasn’t Ezri’s fault. 

Julian didn’t know what he was thinking anymore. He felt so lost. His face ached from the crying. In his hands was that bottle of scotch, near empty. He could be called into the infirmary for an emergency at any time, what would they say if he came down in this state? Damnit. Julian still wasn’t thinking. Still getting himself into dangerous situations. He could definitely lose his job.

He was losing two very important people in his life, one permanently, but it wasn’t _that_ bad. He was fine. Doing great.Things could get no worse.

He was wrong.

Someone was pressing the buzzer on his door.

He didn’t want to talk to anybody. If it was Miles, he would just continue sobbing, embarrassing both of them. If it was Jadzia, he would probably cling to her. And then he might start recounting Jadzia’s actual death in his infirmary. If it was Ezri… He didn’t want to be psychoanalyzed now, and he would likely hurt her feelings trying to rush her out the door. Then it occurred to him that it could be Nerys. What would he do then?

It buzzed again. And another time. It became an urgent buzzing at the door that made Julian’s head start to hurt. Or maybe that was the alcohol.

Guess he’d have to answer it.

He opened the door to a less than pleasant surprise. Standing at the door was Garak. Clean and impeccable, Garak. You wouldn’t have guessed that he was involved in a fight just hours prior. With this man, you could never guess anything. Julian supposed that was simply part of the allure. He had fallen for it, hook, line, and sinker. Julian had been so naive, thinking that someone would actually want to spend their life with him, knowing what he was.

“Ah, Doctor.” Garak stared at Julian. “Are you okay?” He asked suddenly, actually appearing quite concerned.

Oh. Julian wiped at his eyes. Shit. Was he okay? He had the audacity to come in here and ask that? Really? Fuck him. He should show Garak out the door right now.

He didn’t. Nope. Julian let him right in. Uh, come in, he had said. Garak took a seat on his couch, Julian sat across from him on his chair.

Apparently Garak still had him hooked.

Julian didn’t know. He couldn’t think. The lights were too bright and breathing was so hard. His chest was tight, as though physically constrained. Everything was numb. He couldn’t feel his face. His sight was getting spotty.

“Julian?” Garak? He was saying his name? It seemed so far away. _He_ seemed so far away.

He was being touched. A soft pressure on his shoulder. There and gone again in a heartbeat. And all he could feel was the pounding of his heart against his ribcage.

“Julian, you’re having a panic attack.”

Julian would have scoffed if he wasn’t so busy rasping for breath.

“Please calm down.”

Everything was vaguely staticky, and he couldn’t seem to focus his eyes on Garak. He wished he wasn’t there. The moving hurt to watch. Overstimulating.

“Can I touch you?” Garak asked in a panicked tone himself. Julian couldn’t focus his eyes on him, but he had the feeling that there would be genuine emotion on his face if he could just see it.

Julian should say no. He should tell Garak to leave, and then he should call up Jadzia. She was a hugger. Her husband could be without her for one night. He could distract himself babbling about her unborn baby, and feeling her bump. She was so proud of it. He could also think about Jadzia’s dead body. About the Klingon rite of passage into Sto’vo’kor, the disposal of her body that Worf had almost gone through with before Julian had shown him the research for his experimental concept. He could think about how Ezri almost didn’t give up the symbiont.

Fuck.

He nodded his head anyways.

“I’m about to touch you.” Garak warned.

Julian swallowed and nodded again. Calloused hands started running through his hair. It was slightly overwhelming, and he pulled away with a groan.

“What should I be doing for you, dear?”

“Leaving.” Julian laughed bitterly, feeling the static in his throat now. It didn’t feel good.

“Julian, I never should have let you go.”

“...Well, you did.” Moving his mouth was difficult. He didn’t want to talk.

“I am so sorry.” Garak said, planting a kiss on Julian’s cheek. He realized he was crying still.

“Why?”

There was silence at first. And then another kiss to his cheek, and then to his chin. Then tears were being wiped off his face. He realized that he was laying in his chair now, Garak leaning over him. They broke up three weeks ago. They hadn’t talked since. This hurt. But the kisses were like antiseptic to an open wound. It stung at first, but it soothed the pain after that initial sting.

Julian hated it. That this was what he wanted for his whole life to be- what he still wanted, even now. If Garak left him, he wouldn’t be okay. Things wouldn’t be fine. If he said so, he would be lying. Who was he kidding? He needed Garak.

“I thought you would be better off without me.”

“You were wrong.”

“I know.” And then he was kissing his cheek again, and tentatively playing with Julian’s hair again. He sighed this time.

“Garak…”

“You can still call me Elim.”

“I saw you die, Elim.”

Garak paused in his gentle ministrations. “Pardon?”

“That simulation. You were assisting us in taking back the station and-” Julian was choked up still. “You were shot.”

He stood where he was, still. Expressionless mask put on. Absorbing this new information, no doubt. The mask made Julian uncomfortable.

“Is that why shooting me bothered you so much?”

Julian nodded fervently, feeling sobs start to come up. Surprising himself, he leaned up and grabbed Garak close. Into a hug.

“Please don’t go.” Julian shook in Garak’s arms as he was being held by him now.

“...I won’t go.” It sounded like a promise.

So did every night he had ever spent with him. Every word he would say.

“You’re not lying?”

“Would I ever lie to you, my dear?” He took on a somewhat humorous tone, though he looked anything but humorous.

“Yes.” He tried to chuckle, it came out as more of a cough. “But they’re all true right?”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“You're right.”

He was kissed again. Harsh. Julian could feel his face again. He realized he could breathe again, too. He kissed Garak back, desperately wanting to hold on. When they separated, Julian was out of breath again.

“You know,” Garak said then. “I originally came here to say goodbye to you.”

There went the easy breathing! Julian couldn’t believe him. He shut his eyes tight, wanting all of this to go away. He didn’t want to deal with this right now, or ever for that matter. All he wanted was to forget how much this man meant to him. He wanted to be over him already.

“Then leave.”

“I can’t do that, my dear. I can’t leave you like this.”

“I wish you would.” 

“I just wanted to keep you safe… I love you.”

Julian didn’t realize his heart could shatter into a million little pieces all over again. But here Garak was, proving him wrong as always.

“Why are you only telling me this now, after you already discarded me?” With the sleeve of his shirt, he roughly wiped away his still flowing tears, trying to scrounge up his anger he then said. “I’m not a child, Garak. ”

“I never said you were.”

“You’re acting like I am! You’re all acting like I’m some kind of child, you’re acting like I’m so fragile- like you have to be gentle with me!”

“You’re not fragile.."

Julian couldn’t say anything to that, he simply let Garak continue talking, finding that he had grown exhausted, and was about to fall asleep in his arms. Just like any other night.

“I was going to ask you to marry me...” Julian eventually admitted, opening his eyes to check for a reaction.

“I would have said yes.” Garak said.

“No, you wouldn't have.”

He smiled.

  
  



End file.
